Next part is what has brought me to this point, I guess you can call it my testimony.

I was raised up in church. I would go pretty much every sunday and I was on fire for God, until around the age of 12. When I was 12 there was a lot of things that happened and felt like my world got turned upside down. It was when I lost focus on God. I became addicted to the internet. It may sound silly to some, but it was a very strong addiction that caused a lot of harm to me and my family. I would want to be on it constantly to point where I would skip meals to stay on. My parents even put a lock on the door. I would steal the key in middle of the night to unlock it and stay up all night on there and would miss school because I was either to tired from staying up or stay home to be on it while they were at work. But the worst part was that I got involved in chat rooms. I felt like the people on there were true friends of mine and I was more interested keeping in touch with them than people in “real life”.  There was one person who sweet talked me and I believed everything he said.  After several months I met up with him. I allowed myself to be put in real danger.  He was older and only wanted one thing.  He took advantage of me. I have carried that around for way to long. It has haunted me for 11 years. I blamed myself for being stupid and felt that I put myself in that position. I was scared to talk to anyone about it. I was so ashamed I ran even further away from friends, family, and God.  I became very lonely and which made me retreat even more into the chatrooms . This is when I would say my mask was formed. I tried my hardest to appear happy and all is great when I felt the opposite inside.  I wanted the feeling I had before this all I started , but felt I didnt deserve it.  I was still going to church and was saying I am a christian, but I was not walking the path. I got involved with some un christian friends because they wouldn’t hold me accountable. When I was 18 I met a guy and moved way to fast. Within 8 months of dating him I had got pregnant and had a shot gun wedding.  During the pregnancy I started to hear God and feel him wanting me to come back to him. I wanted my daughter to be raised in church. I wanted her to have the best in life and as long as she follows his way she would have the best. Well, my husband was never a christian and didnt want any part of it. I would have fights with him and it kept me from turning my life around. It got very bad to point of physical abuse. I again felt like I put myself in this position, so I was lying in the bed I made. I didn’t want anyone to have the worry about my mistakes. I tried my hardest to deal with it myself. God saved me. I truly believe God put the desire in my husband heart to want to get a divorce, because of pride and being afraid I couldn’t walk away. When we separated it was so hard even though I didn’t love him and I would be safe and not have to walk on egg shells.  I again felt God tugging on my heart strings to come back to him.  I wanted it, but turned to other non christian because it was easier. I always known that God forgives all sins and will never reject me, but my brain and heart could not get on same page.  God had put several people in my life who made me realize that for one I am worthy, another to bring christian friends in my life to hold me accountable. Within this past year I have been trying to get on right path again. In the past month I decided to take the leap of faith and turn over everything to God. For him to have all control in my life.  Not hold onto any piece for security. I have gone from emotional (depression) to true happiness and peace.  I worry less and feel more accepted. I am a work in progress, but see how he turned my bad times to help me to become the person he wants me to be.

I promise the blogs to follow will not be this lengthy… just want to share background.